To: All Employees
    Fr: HR
    Sub: Leave Absence Policy Relaunch
    Date: IMMEDIATELY
    The New Policy effects immediately. Pls. follow RIGHT NOW without any objection.

    鉴于公司诸位同仁缺席情况日渐严重, 现公司人力资源部规定全新请假政策, 立即生效!!!
    There is some amendment on our HR policy due to the problem of poor attendance. The new policy is effective from today and will apply to all employees.

    病假: 不准!
    我们相信, 既然您有体力去看医生, 您就有能力来上班.
    Sick leave: Not allowed! We assume you are physically fit to work if you are still able to go see a doctor.

    辞职: 不准!
    员工的辞职会给公司人力资源部门造成不必要的麻烦, 同时, 为处理你辞职所花费的费用完全不能为 Supply Chain 增加Value.
    Resign: Not allowed! Resignation is only to create a lot of trouble for HR department, in the meantime, dealing with your resignation is not lucrative to Supply Chain from the cost-efficient point of view.

    婚假: 不准!
    实际上公司并不鼓励你结婚. (1)作为一名公司经理人员, 应该是一个足够冷静的人, 不应该作出这种冲动的决定; (2) 结婚会使员工不必要地丧失太多精力;
    Marriage leave: Not allowed! As a matter of fact, we don’t encourage our employees to get married because of the following reasons: 1) As a manager, you are supposed to be self-possessed and shouldn’t be impulsive to get married. 2) Marriage will suck away a person’s energy.

    产假: 不准!
    产假是耽误工时的一大主要因素. 我们认为作为一名高素质的员工不应该在生孩子这类小事上耽误宝贵时间. 为了提高员工效率, 公司医疗福利小组已经开始提供克隆服务, 三级以上经理可以安排供应商代为生产.
    Maternity Leave : Not allowed! It’s the major reason of reducing our productivity. As an employee with high quality, you should not waste your valuable time on such an unimportant matter. In order to enhance our efficiency, the Company Health Care Group has begun to provide cloning service for those who are eligible – managers above band 3.

    丧假: 不成理由!!
    您的出席并不能够给予生者任何好处, 更不能使他/她回生.
    Bereavement leave: Not allowed! Your participation in such event will neither do any good to the alive nor bring back the dead.

    长假: (如动手术等事假)此类请假我们不再批准!!!
    各位同仁请杜绝动手术的想法. 只要您是本公司正式合同员工, 您就不应该私自去除身体上的任何部分. 本公司雇佣的是你的全部, 若私自将您的一部分去除, 则会违反与触及公司当初所任聘的相关合同规定.
    Long term or short term disability leave: Not allowed! Don’t even think about having an operation since you , including every single part of your body, are employed by the company and any action of taking away any part of your body will be against the employment contract.

    死亡: 这是唯一的正当理由!
    但您必须在三星期前通知HR, 因为交接工作是你的指责之一.
    Dead leave: Approved! This is the only decent reason we can accept. However, you must inform HR department three weeks in advance since it’s part of your responsibility to ensure smooth transaction of your job.

    另:
    根据报表统计, 各位同仁花费过多的时间于洗手间! 从今天起, 请大家按各自名字字母的顺序轮流进入使用. 例如:
    名字的字母开头是"A"的, 可在8:00到8:15此段时间使用洗手间, (如 Alex Kong)
    名字的字母开头是"B"的, 可在8:15到8:30此段时间使用洗手间, (如 Benson Yuan)
    如此依序轮流下去. 万一各位同仁不慎错过各自使用时段, 您只能挨到明天, 等到您所拥有的时段时方可使用.
    P.S.: Statistics shows that all employees have spend too much time in washroom! From now on, please use the washroom in turn according the alphabetical order of the first letter in your name:
    “A”: 8:00-8:15
    ……
    Please keep in mind that if you miss the assigned washroom time, you will have to wait until the corresponding time in the day after that!
    敬请遵守, 切勿自毁!!!